Alle Kätzchen naschen gern (1969)

At Portillon Castle, a nobleman and an officer argue like fishwives over who truly owns the place. Each has settled into his own half, and neither dares cross the literal red line dividing the two halves of the courtyard. Sitting right in the middle as a lightning rod is their factotum, Philippe, who has placed a bench across the red line so he can listen to both masters’ volleys of insults at once, in stereo. The gentlemen even need two pretty laundry girls, the brunette Monique and the blonde Babette, because neither is willing to share one. While the lustful Count enjoys himself with Babette whenever work allows, the no less aroused Colonel carefully “inspects” Monique’s physical charms beneath the many layers of her modest clothes. As previously agreed between the girls and Philippe, their morals and virginity are saved at the last second by the donkey’s piercing bray—the donkey that brought Babette and Monique to the castle in a cart—before things can go any further. The Colonel and the Count press the local judge to finally settle the question of ownership. A little later, the beautiful Blanche, the Colonel’s fiancée, arrives at the castle from Paris. Thanks to the garments she has taken off one by one during the carriage ride, handsome young René, the Count’s nephew, follows her. Blanche wants to drag her fiancé straight to bed, but the Colonel’s ardor suddenly misfires, and he claims he wants to save his ammunition for one of the two virgin laundry girls. Furious, Blanche keeps after her unwilling lover until he bolts from their bedroom. The Count now sees a chance to really get under his nemesis’s skin, so he asks his nephew René to look after beautiful Blanche in every aspect of life and love, hoping this will drive the Colonel out of the castle. The officer has the same idea about the nobleman: “The Count must be annoyed, provoked to the point of madness,” he mutters to himself. Both men, however, want to pass on their genes only to virgins. The Count therefore makes a highly indecent move on blonde Babette while she is harvesting hay. Unfortunately, the Colonel rides by and sabotages their tête-à-tête; then handsome René also shows up and picks up with Babette at the very point where the Count has never managed to get any further. When Blanche comes along during a walk, she gets an idea for getting René, who is currently locked in an erotic clinch with Babette, all to herself. She tears her pink dress and cries loudly for help. René, ever the gentleman, rushes to her and seconds later falls into Blanche’s clutches. While her prospective fiancé is at Monique’s aunt’s negotiating the terms of a marriage to her virgin niece, Blanche has her “rescuer,” René, carry her to her bedroom in the castle. The Colonel appears there shortly afterward. The Count, too, pays a visit to the girls’ aunt, Fiquet, to negotiate the terms of a marriage to Babette. He also promises his future bride one half of the castle as her marital dowry—naturally, just like the Colonel, the half that does not belong to him. That night, the romantic entanglements reach their peak. The Colonel wants to send his troublesome fiancée off to dreamland, so he gets Philippe to give him a sleeping draught for her, intending to enjoy himself with Monique afterward. But Blanche is in league with Philippe, so it is the Colonel who loses consciousness instead. Blanche, disguised as Babette, tries to ensnare René. Meanwhile, the Count is ready to laugh himself silly at his rival’s stupidity, but he, too, takes a sip of the spiked wine and promptly collapses. Philippe places the Count side by side with the Colonel in the latter’s bed. In the middle of the night, two figures in suits of armor appear in the castle and roam its corridors. They are Babette and Monique, out to have some fun, but their antics also prevent René, who is rolling around among the pillows with Blanche, from getting to the point of climax. The next morning, deeply disappointed in René, Babette agrees to marry Corbon, a much older and decidedly unattractive lawyer. René, who has actually been caught off guard by Blanche every time and is in truth interested only in Babette, goes to Madame Peronnière, the brothel madam, who also has her reasons for not wanting Corbon to marry just anyone. The two hatch a plan to call off the arranged wedding. Madame abducts Babette in her wedding dress in a carriage and, holding a revolver on her, makes her take it off. At a rendezvous, René meets her on his horse and rides away with her. Corbon has no idea who the veiled woman beside him is when he signs the marriage contract. On their wedding night, he nearly has a fit: his bride is Madame! She agreed to the deal with René because this way she hopes to get back from her new husband the large amount of money she has recently lost to him at cards. The two castle rivals have finally had enough of each other. They meet early in the morning for a duel. To prevent a bloodbath, all the women in the story swim across to the other bank, where the duelists are waiting. As the naked Monique throws herself into the Colonel’s arms, the equally naked Blanche throws herself around the Count’s neck. The duel is called off; Eros has won. The next day, both the Count and the Colonel receive an unpleasant surprise: the Attorney General from Paris, who is to rule on the ownership of the castle, has arrived. He has brought the verdict in the dispute. To everyone’s surprise, he dismisses both men’s claims and orders them to pay the costs. Instead, the new owner is declared to be the sole descendant of the former castle owners, the Brenton family—and that is Philippe, who until now has been a servant! He immediately has the red dividing line that split the castle in two removed and hires both the Count and the Colonel as his liveried servants. At the lavishly laid table, Philippe is pampered by Blanche and Monique.